Another Stage of Life
My sister in law is about to embark on a journey.. One that I don't even know I would have taken, given the option.
She is quitting work to stay home.
For many people, given the option, this would be a no-brainer. But for L, it has been a monumental, heart wrenching decision. The middle child of 5 from a blue collar family, she started babysitting when she was about 11 and has always held a job since.
You see, L's a very independent, driven individual. She married very young at 20 (the first time) and the guy was.....well, let's be honest, a bum. She worked, went to school and was the sole responsible party in the marriage. Luckily, the marriage ended after five years (5 years too late, if you ask me) but it left some permanent scars. L became so self sufficient, it actually scared men off. She has had a lot of trust and control issues. It's understandable.
She stayed in school, working full time plus a part time job, earned two degrees and sat for the CPA and passed on the first go round. She bought her first home while she was single in 1988. For the past several years, she has been controller at an international tool manfacturing company, (initials B&D).
I might also add the L is a very attractive woman with a huge heart.
To cut to the chase, she remarried in 1999 at the age of 38. Her husband (the BIL that has to have a manly Harley, see 11/14/06 post) is a pilot who has also been married before. L has always wanted children and became pregnant for the first time at age 40. Unfortunately, the pregnancy ended with a stillborn baby girl. L was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix. If you're not familiar, this is where the cervix cannot withstand the pressure the baby exerts as he/she grows, typically resulting in premature labor. It was ironic that someone who has spent her entire life being so highly competent would have this problem.
It was devastating. I was devastated for her. I hurt so bad for the two of them. But L took it in stride. I never saw her truly cry. She got emotional, but she was a rock thru the whole thing.
I worried that she needed to let go and grieve. If she did, it was between her and BIL.
They debated another pregnancy. BIL wasn't really up for it, but he wasn't all that up for it the first go round as his kids from his first marriage were 20 and 17 at the time.
They decided to give it another shot, more for L's sake than anything. And on January 30, 2004, L gave birth to a healthy baby boy.
Recently, after kicking it around for several years, BIL has taken a flight captain's position. More money, but more commitment, responsibility and more travel. L had tried cutting back her hours, trying to work only 25-30 a week. It wasn't working. She is too damn dedicated.
She should be like me and work for the government...I'm dedicated, but only to a certain degree.. It just doesn't take much to excel around my agency. But that's another subject for
discussion.
So, she is going to quit her job. At 45, for the first time, she will be unemployed. She will not have her "own" income. And she is terrified. I don't blame her. This is the one thing that always got me. My "own money".. Plus, how does she convert from being a corporate power to the SAHM of a 3 year old?
Will her educated, finely tuned brain turn to mush? Will The Wiggles take the place of Meet The Press? Will she be cutting up everyone's food at the table, no matter what age?
Some may think I'm undermining SAHPs, but I'm not. My question is, once you've made the decision, how do you make the transition after sooooo many years of conditioning.
She is so used to being the one in control, making the decisions, I just don't see the adaption process as easy.
Please be assured that the question is not just for her, but for me also. This year I qualify for early retirement. I have the state retirement systems calculating several options for me as we speak. The difference between her and I is that I do not have a small child at home and will receive an income in pension form. In many ways, I'm ready for it. I don't want to be the "answer person" anymore. At least I think I don't want to be.
I wonder if I go to work at some firm or wherever if I'll be able to cope with some preppy just out of grad school greenie for a boss.. What will stop me from fighting the urge to take control and upstage them? Or treating them like a child, for that matter--throwing them in a time out when I don't like their smart mouth.
I'm not so sure I'm ready.
So my question is, how does one deal with the transition? What can one do to avoid the feeling of loss over "financial independence"?
She is quitting work to stay home.
For many people, given the option, this would be a no-brainer. But for L, it has been a monumental, heart wrenching decision. The middle child of 5 from a blue collar family, she started babysitting when she was about 11 and has always held a job since.
You see, L's a very independent, driven individual. She married very young at 20 (the first time) and the guy was.....well, let's be honest, a bum. She worked, went to school and was the sole responsible party in the marriage. Luckily, the marriage ended after five years (5 years too late, if you ask me) but it left some permanent scars. L became so self sufficient, it actually scared men off. She has had a lot of trust and control issues. It's understandable.
She stayed in school, working full time plus a part time job, earned two degrees and sat for the CPA and passed on the first go round. She bought her first home while she was single in 1988. For the past several years, she has been controller at an international tool manfacturing company, (initials B&D).
I might also add the L is a very attractive woman with a huge heart.
To cut to the chase, she remarried in 1999 at the age of 38. Her husband (the BIL that has to have a manly Harley, see 11/14/06 post) is a pilot who has also been married before. L has always wanted children and became pregnant for the first time at age 40. Unfortunately, the pregnancy ended with a stillborn baby girl. L was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix. If you're not familiar, this is where the cervix cannot withstand the pressure the baby exerts as he/she grows, typically resulting in premature labor. It was ironic that someone who has spent her entire life being so highly competent would have this problem.
It was devastating. I was devastated for her. I hurt so bad for the two of them. But L took it in stride. I never saw her truly cry. She got emotional, but she was a rock thru the whole thing.
I worried that she needed to let go and grieve. If she did, it was between her and BIL.
They debated another pregnancy. BIL wasn't really up for it, but he wasn't all that up for it the first go round as his kids from his first marriage were 20 and 17 at the time.
They decided to give it another shot, more for L's sake than anything. And on January 30, 2004, L gave birth to a healthy baby boy.
Recently, after kicking it around for several years, BIL has taken a flight captain's position. More money, but more commitment, responsibility and more travel. L had tried cutting back her hours, trying to work only 25-30 a week. It wasn't working. She is too damn dedicated.
She should be like me and work for the government...I'm dedicated, but only to a certain degree.. It just doesn't take much to excel around my agency. But that's another subject for
discussion.
So, she is going to quit her job. At 45, for the first time, she will be unemployed. She will not have her "own" income. And she is terrified. I don't blame her. This is the one thing that always got me. My "own money".. Plus, how does she convert from being a corporate power to the SAHM of a 3 year old?
Will her educated, finely tuned brain turn to mush? Will The Wiggles take the place of Meet The Press? Will she be cutting up everyone's food at the table, no matter what age?
Some may think I'm undermining SAHPs, but I'm not. My question is, once you've made the decision, how do you make the transition after sooooo many years of conditioning.
She is so used to being the one in control, making the decisions, I just don't see the adaption process as easy.
Please be assured that the question is not just for her, but for me also. This year I qualify for early retirement. I have the state retirement systems calculating several options for me as we speak. The difference between her and I is that I do not have a small child at home and will receive an income in pension form. In many ways, I'm ready for it. I don't want to be the "answer person" anymore. At least I think I don't want to be.
I wonder if I go to work at some firm or wherever if I'll be able to cope with some preppy just out of grad school greenie for a boss.. What will stop me from fighting the urge to take control and upstage them? Or treating them like a child, for that matter--throwing them in a time out when I don't like their smart mouth.
I'm not so sure I'm ready.
So my question is, how does one deal with the transition? What can one do to avoid the feeling of loss over "financial independence"?
posted by Teri at 7:32 AM
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